


A Soul's First Life

by Anonymous



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, First life, Implied Feelings, Lives, Lmao soz i tried, Longing, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Past Lives, no beta we die
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-10
Updated: 2021-03-10
Packaged: 2021-03-17 14:26:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29967726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: When a soul is brought to earth, and a new life begins, that life obtains many different interests. The soul will try it’s hardest to complete as many of these dreams as possible within it’s first life —unsure of whether it’ll move onto another life or not. Once their journey is over, it will move into the next life, in which it will start slower, and take it’s time to complete it’s dreams. The soul will typically achieve two dreams every life, and will not be fulfilled once every dream has been achieved.Or when someone has trouble finding their passion because they have too many interests that they want to make into a career, but it’s just first life things.
Relationships: Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa
Kudos: 12
Collections: Anonymous





	A Soul's First Life

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I've been an avid reader/writer on ao3, but like, I feel trapped to my account. Like I cant venture out of what I've already posted on my account. So to relive myself of some stress and unnecessary anxiety, I decided to post this as anonymous. Uh, I hope you like reading it? It's the first story that I've added my own feelings into so I really hope everyone enjoys reading it. Thank you : ).

As a child, Seonghwa was always a good child. Very obedient, intelligent, polite, and seemed to be talented in all things creative. He was always dancing, always singing, painting, drawing, and as he got older he took on a passion for the culinary arts. All in all, Seonghwa was talented in more ways than one, and while some would call him lucky, he believed otherwise,

“Hey momma, what do you think about me becoming a singer?”

“Oh honey! I think that’s wonderful, but make sure you’re still studying hard okay?”

—

“Momma I wanna start dancing!”

“Mom, look at my painting! I think I want to have my own gallery one day.”

“What if I become like, a model or a fashion blogger?”

“Hey mom, dad, do you guys wanna read the short story I wrote? I worked hard making it! One day, I wanna be able to publish my own book series.”

“Do you think I could start my own bakery one day? Or maybe even a cafe?”

“I could put illustrating and writing together and learn how to make a comic! That way I could do them both.”

“Hey, could I use grandma’s sewing machine, I have some stuff I want to practice making. One day I wanna see my clothing on a runway.”

—

“Hwa, your cousin is getting married and she asked if you could do her makeup, would that be okay?” Seonghwa’s mother asked her 17 year old son who was occupied playing a game on his phone. It was silent, save for the character’s voice and grunts as they tried to defeat the monsters. Once Seonghwa successfully finished the mission he looked up at his mom with a kind smile.

“Yeah, tell her it’s no problem.” His mother smiled and went back to talking on the phone with her niece. Seonghwa sees it as a sign to go back to playing his game. Both people were content by themselves, until it was time to end the call. Only then did Seonghwa’s mother look at her son again.

“Hwa I think you should consider doing makeup as a career. You’re so good at it and last time you did your aunts make up everyone was asking her if you’d be able to do theirs too.” Seonghwa exited out of his game and shut his phone off, sensing this to become a serious conversation.

“I don’t know mom. It’s just something I enjoy doing, not something I want to do for the rest of my life.” He explained to his mother, looking at her with a mildly hesitant expression. He heard his mother sigh and looked down at his hands, fiddling with them. His mother got closer, placing her hand on top of her son’s head and stared in silence with a warm expression.”

“Hwa look at me honey.” Seonghwa looked up and was met with his mothers warm eyes. “Then what do you want to do as a job? You’re practically good at everything but you have to make sure that you-“ Seonghwa cut her off with a sigh, looking down once more.

“I know mom but can’t I just… I don’t know, do everything? Why do I have to just choose one thing if I want to do it all?” He felt as if this conversation was so repetitive. He knows. He knows he can’t do everything but he wants to. It just doesn’t feel right to drop everything only to pursue one thing for the rest of his life. 

“Oh honey, you know you can’t do that. It’ll be too much for you.” Her voice was never harsh, never scolding him, but every time the conversation came up Seonghwa felt as if he lost touch with everything he loved. Every time the conversation arose it felt like he was getting ripped from everything he loves.

“I’ll… I’ll think of something mom.” And with that Seonghwa got up and walked towards his room. Feeling as if maybe he dreamt too big. Maybe he wouldn't be able to get one thing complete, and would ultimately never get everything complete. 

His mother watched as he walked away, eyes swirling wildly with worry.

—

“Make sure you guys pack everything! We don’t wanna leave this place looking like a mess.” Seonghwa announced towards all his members, broom in one hand and the other perched on his hip. He was finally able to start sweeping through the kitchen and living room of their soon to be old dorm.

Years had passed and Seonghwa had the blessing of being able to join an idol agency and get into a group. They’ve debuted a while ago, and are finally getting a dorm upgrade, but top Seonghwa everything feels so fast. To him it felt like he debuted in Ateez just yesterday, and now their group of chaos is getting huge recognition from all around the globe and are able to upgrade their living space.

The dorm was full of loud music and chatter, the boys laughing and playing along with each other like always. 

“Yeah yeah! Don’t worry Hwa-hyung!” Wooyoung shouted out through a laugh and went back to messing around with San and Mingi. Seonghwa chuckled at them fondly before going back to sweeping. He had finished packing and just needed the rest of the members to finish up so he could go in and sweep their rooms. Sure he could make the members sweep their own rooms but it always felt cleaner if he was the one doing it.

A thud and the sound of objects scattering was heard coming from his and Hongjoong’s room before a voice called out.”

“Hyuuung!” Seonghwa sighed before propping the broom on the wall and dusting his hand onto his apron. He walked over to the room and was met with one of his boxes fallen over and the contents scattered across the floor.

“Sorry Hwa-hyung, I ended up knocking your stuff over while I was packing some of my equipment, but how come we never knew you used to paint?” Hongjoong looked up at Seonghwa and gave him a cheeky smile before resume to pick up the spilled contents of the box. A somber feeling rushed through Seonghwa’s body in a flash before he bent down to help Hongjoong.

“Ah… yeah I used to be really interested in a lot of art stuff. I haven’t been able to really get back into them since I became a trainee.” Seonghwa explained, finally getting everything picked up and putting the box back into its respective place. “Maybe one day while we’re on a break I’ll paint something again.” He says standing up, hands lingering a few seconds more on the box.

Hongjoong stared at him a while more, enamored, before smiling up at the man. “I hope one day you can show me everything else you enjoy doing.”

“Me too Joong. Me too.”

The two stayed smiling at one another, both equally hopeful with gazes longing. Words coming out as a platonic promise, doubling as more. To experience everything with one another, and to enjoy and share every pastime together.

Seonghwa would spend the rest of the evening cleaning the rest of their dorm. Riddled with the constant teasing question of “why are you smiling so much hyung?”

—

It was once again very late (early?) in the day. It was currently 3:11 in the morning and Hongjoong was still working in the studio. Though it wasn’t anything particularly weird or off, Seonghwa had been feeling the approach of his emotions wanting to spill over and he needed someone to talk to before he accidentally let his boiling emotions spill all over the innocent members. And so, Seonghwa took it upon himself to fetch Hongjoong from the studio, in hopes to initiate an emotionally intimate conversation to help not only himself, but Hongjoong as well, unload heavy feelings and provide each other with comfort and zero judgement. 

This explains why Seonghwa’s walking along the Han river, Hongjoong right next to him humming the melody of one of the tracks he’s working on, and a bag of convenience store snacks in both of their hands. They stop alongside a tree and sit down, silently looking at the river and the minimal people walking around, before Hongjoong releases a breath and looks at Seonghwa.

“So, what up?” Hongjoong asked as he reached into his bag to pull out a triangle kimbap, proceeding to open it up using the three step instructions on the wrapper itself. Seonghwa observed him, watching his small hands work and delicately sliding the wrapper off. That came as no surprise to him as Hongjoong’s always had a way for handling everything delicately with care and love. Seonghwa looked up and met the eyes of Hongjoong, gazing up at him through his pretty lashes biting into the snack as he awaited his response.

“What do you mean?” Seonghwa feigned confusion looking at Hongjoong deadpan at him before he proceeded to get out his bag of chips, opening them but not taking any out.

“Don't give me that hwa. You usually text me to come back home quickly one last time before going to sleep. And actually, this is the only time you’ve come to physically fetch me from the studio and not take me home immediately. So, something’s on your mind right? And it’s something you need to talk about, right?” Hongjoong ends it with stuffing the kimbaps laver into his mouth, leaving the stuffed rice mixture within the one side of the wrapper. He’s still looking at Seonghwa in playful triumph for knowing there's something that needs discussing. Seonghwa sighs before letting a smile take over his features. It always amazes him how easily Hongjoong is able to read him. Always able to get a good look at his eyes before Hongjoong’s giving him a lopsided smile, and letting him know that he’ll always be there for him. How even through texts Hongjoong’s able to recognize a shift in his typing pattern, and therefore able to determine what his general emotion is. Even the fact that he knows Seonghwa doesn’t like tense atmospheres so whenever he get vulnerable, Hongjoong keeps a light air of comfort, of playfulness, of small jokes, and thought it may seem like he’s dismissing his emotion, Seonghwa knows that’s not the case, and it just makes his heart yearn more and more for him.

“Well, I’ve just had a lot on my mind. With the comeback coming up and having to be on a diet and just my own problems. I don’t know, usually it’s easy to kinda just let everything be, but I’ve been feeling like everything’s just piling on top of itself and it’s been feeling like too much. I just- I need to like, get everything out. I don’t want to get overwhelmed while I'm around the kids and take it out on them or break down in front of them or something.” Seonghwa watched Hongjoong eat the last of the kimbap before staring down at the opened chip bag in his lap. 

“Mmm, are you okay with sharing what exactly you’ve been feeling, like elaborating more? Or do you just feel comfortable with just telling me this?” Although Hongjoong’s been looking at him, he didn’t turn around to fully face him until now, letting him know that Seonghwa has his undivided attention.

“Well, obviously, having the comeback be so near it’s a lot of pressure on all of us. The pressure of having to have the choreography be perfect, I have to be able to sing my parts perfectly at the same time. My throat, my body, my mind, it all has to be in good condition but I can't get better if I don’t strain any of those. Then the strict diet we have to be on doesn’t help anything but allowing my body to gain more muscle, and even then I feel like a lost cause.” Seonghwa played around with his hands, picking at the fraying skin of his already scuffed cuticles. He looks up at Hongjoong occasionally, just long enough to convey himself, but not long enough to open the gates to show how vulnerable he feels, and Hongjoong is okay with that.

“Yeah, of course all of this would drain you. I mean, we’re all having to deal with something similar right now, so know you’re not alone with that okay? And you’ve dealt with this time and time again, and by the end of it, while we’re performing on stage, you always radiate a different glow. I know that you’ll get through it as an even stronger Seonghwa, and you know it too. Just like how you know that this isn’t your biggest problem right now is it? There's something bigger that’s taking up your thoughts, something you’ve thought about long before this, right?” And there he goes again. Talking to him in such a knowing way, like Hongjoong knows every part of his mind more than himself. Like Hongjoong could pinpoint every thought in Seonghwa’s brain, both the ones he knows of and the ones that he’s yet to see but Hongjoong is there to help point them out to him. Seonghwa knows that. Knows that it feels like Hongjoong knows him better than himself, but he finds that he isn’t bothered by it at all, finds that he almost wants to be led by him.

Seonghwa nods meekly, almost ashamed at himself for thinking the way he does because he then says, “I don’t feel like I should be an idol.” And once it’s said Hongjoong’s air changes entirely and he stops the small movements he’s been doing. Stop picking at the grass, stops swaying slightly from side to side, stops playing with the frayed pieces of the plastic bag, and his breath hitches.

“Oh hwa…” Hongjoong moves closer to pull Seonghwa into an embrace, and Seonghwa lets him. He lets out a mocking chuckle, one directed at himself for wording that wrongly and making Hongjoong worry more than he should.

“Joong-” The arms encircling Seonghwa tighten.

“Let me- let me reword that.” Seonghwa pulls himself away from Hongjoong and he thinks he feels Hongjoong hold onto him tighter -- almost in protest -- before they separate. Seonghwa dismisses the thought as quickly as it came.

“I'm not saying- I'm not saying that I want to drop my idol career. I just, there's so much I want to be. I don’t feel like I was meant to be an idol, I don't feel like I was meant to be anything if not everything.” Seonghwa’s voice increasingly gets louder, more strained, it wavers and his breath gets heavier. Hongjoong lets him be. Let's Seonghwa release everything and listens to him carefully.

“I- I’ve always been interested in so much, and I’m always told that it’s just ‘too much.’ That I can’t do everything because that’s just not how things work. That even though I love everything, I feel like I can't be anything. I love being an idol. I love being able to go through this with you and the members, I love being able to connect with atiny through our music and express myself through our performances and lyrics but it all feels wrong. Like- like I’m dropping everything else I wanted to do. Like I’m ripping out parts of what makes me, me. It’s always been like that. I try out a lot of things, and enjoy them so I try my damned best to excel in them but every time I get asked what I want to be, I never know. Because I’m always told I can't do it all. So everytime I think about myself I feel lost because it feels like I’m not allowed to be anything in particular if I’m not allowed to be everything.” By the end of it Seonghwa has new tears pricking at the corners of his eyes and the existing ones steadily flowing down his face. His shoulders shake slightly and his hands lay limp at his thighs after excessive use to emphasize and get out his feelings through not only words, but motions as well.

They stay in silence for a while, and by now it's probably well past four in the morning. Seonghwa’s head stays bowed down while he feels Hongjoong move around, and hears bags shuffling. The cap of a water bottle is heard opening before Hongjoong taps Seonghwa’s chin, motioning him to look up.

“Drink up hwa.” He says in a voice so soft, he can almost feel the texture itself. And Seonghwa’s point is proven yet again, because Hongjoong’s hand, although callused, is holding his chin so delicately. Hongjoong’s voice envelops him warmly, wraps around him in a manner that holds so much care, and lets him know he’s safe. Hongjoong’s eyes look at him, look through him, and once again he’s telling him he's there. Nonverbally guiding Seonghwa through himself and calming him down at a pace so right it feels natural.

“Eat some too. You’ve barely touched them.” There is once again a playfulness that envelops Hongjoong’s tone, but it remains with the same amount of care and gentleness. Seonghwa finishes drinking some water and wipes his tears away with his forearm and Hongjoong sits patiently, waiting for him to finish to feed him a few chips. Of course he does, he’s Kim Hongjoong, he’d wait and wait for Seonghwa to feel comfortable, would guide him through his troubles and experience them with him just to make sure he’s well by the end of it. And once he’s done wiping them away, Hongjoong feeds him some chips, murmuring small praises until Seonghwa regains the energy to feed himself. And throughout it all, never once did Hongjoong gaze at him with pity. Never once did it cross over into anything other than pure care. Of course it wouldn’t. He’s Kim Hongjoong.

Hongjoong sits there and just watches Seonghwa eat for a bit. Watching as his labored breaths become steady. Watches as the tension built up in Seonghwa’s shoulders dies down and they regain their relaxed state again. Watches him with so much love and admiration and begins to speak once he’s entirely calmed down.

“Hwa, do you believe in past lives? Or the notion that our souls experience multiple different life forms throughout their lifetime?” Hongjoong inquires, looking at Seonghwa and smiling in the lopsided way he always does. Seonghwa does nothing but nod. 

“Well, an atiny requested for your palm to be read by this professional on youtube, and he said that this is your first life. And as a child, my mother always told me a story about our souls. She’d say that when a soul is first brought to this world, it gets curious about many different things, and it’s because of this curiosity that it tries to do everything. Sometimes, the soul will excel in only a few things, and in the end, give up the rest. Other times, however, a soul will excel in everything it grows an interest in.” Hongjoong pauses for a second to drink out of his own water bottle. He looks at Seonghwa afterwards silently and doesn’t continue his story again, but opts to just look at him. Seonghwa is confused for a moment before he watches Hongjoong’s eyes dart to his water bottle and then back to him. It’s then that Seonghwa understands and reaches for his own water bottle and takes a sip. Hongjoong hums in contentment before continuing on.

“My mom would tell me that these souls often spend their first life lost, unable to realize why they find it difficult to stick to one thing in general. But she told me that during a soul's first life, it’ll accomplish as much as it can. It won't be able to accomplish everything, but throughout its life journey, the soul’s curiosity will die down, and start to focus on accomplishing typically one, or two things for every life form it goes through. I know this might not make you feel better, but I just wanted to share the story with you. It reminds me of what you’re going through right now and I was hoping that maybe it’d be able to reassure you? Or at the very least calm your nerves a little. Cause I think you are meant to be everything, just not maybe all at once.” Hongjoong gave Seonghwa a sheepish smile. The one time all night that he’s been anything but certain, and it’s what gave Seonghwa even more reassurance. His eyes creased and he offered Hongjoong a smile of his own. 

Hongjoong’s eyes widened the tiniest bit before he looked down, focusing on picking the grass by his legs once again. Seonghwa took quick notice of the redness that splayed across the tips of his ears.

“Yeah, it’s made me think of my life’s future in a different perspective. Thank you Joong.” Hongjoong made a small sound from the back of his throat, one that was meant as a ‘you’re welcome’ and they fell back into a comfortable silence. The only sounds came from the ruffling of the different bags and wrappers they had with them.

“The sun is starting to come up now, we should probably head back since we have schedules starting at seven.” Seonghwa got up and started collecting their trash into the black convenience store bag.

“Hwa wait.” Hongjoong said abruptly, he looked up at Seonghwa’s standing form and sighed. 

“Is it okay if we talk a little more?” Now it was Hongjoong’s turn to be vulnerable. His voice now very small, holding no confidence and the air around him turning nervous. 

Seonghwa slowly sat down and uttered a “Yeah, yeah of course.”

Hongjoong and Seonghwa stayed silent for a while, Hongjoong’s mouth opening and closing as if contemplating what to say. Seonghwa watched knowing that Hongjoong would speak when he was ready to do so. Hongjoong was so much harder to read. He kept his thoughts to himself, never once to show vulnerability all too openly, but what always fascinated Seonghwa was the fact that you could always see him think. Hongjoong showed not his thoughts, but his thought process to the open. It was always fascinating how you could see the gears in his head turning. Could always see when he suddenly switched trains of thought or when he’d come to a stop to contemplate the many different possible outcomes, or what the next step in the process should be. Seonghwa loved that. Loved how -- although he wished Hongjoong would open up more to him -- his entire process was for everyone to see. Loved how he moved as if he were an artist painting a canvas only visible to him. Loved how the outcome was always a mystery that wouldn’t be solved until the entire process was complete. 

“You won’t...leave, right?” His voice was meek, it cut through his thoughts and if it wasn’t for the words that shocked him, he wouldn’t have heard him at all.

“No! No Joong I wouldn’t-!” Seonghwa panicked a little, going to hurriedly grasp Hongjoong’s face in his hands. He locked his frantic eyes with Hongjoong’s teary ones. 

“Joong, I would never leave. It doesn’t matter if it feels wrong to tie myself down to one thing instead of everything. I love being with you and the members, I love being an idol. I love atiny. Okay? I’m sorry that I made you think that there was anything at all that would make me leave. I'm happy, okay? Don’t worry, there’s nothing that could make me leave you guys okay?” Seonghwa’s tone shifted from panicked to reassuring. He wipes away the few stray tears that fell from Hongjoong’s eyes, and they separate once Hongjoong shifts his eyes away from Seonghwa. 

“Yeah I- I know. Im sor-”

“Don’t. It’s okay Joong. Please don't ever apologise for your own feelings okay? You have every right to feel the way you’re feeling. Your feelings are valid okay?” Hongjoong nods, and stands up with Senghwa once his hand is offered to him. Seonghwa gathers the rest of the trash up and walks to a trash bin -- hand still connected with Hongjoong’s -- to throw it away. They once again fall into a comfortable silence and start walking towards the direction of the dorm.

“So, what do you think you were in your past life?” Seonghwa questioned, looking over beside him at Hongjoong. Hongjoong looks up at him before looking towards the sun rising and smiles.

“I personally like to believe I was a lesbian in my past life. I think that maybe I fought and advocated for everything I believed in.” Seonghwa lets a warm chuckle rumble out his chest.

“That's pretty specific, dont you think?” Hongjoong looks up again, this time up at the sky and smiles warmly before turning to Seonghwa.

“Perhaps. But out of everything I thought of as possibilities, I felt that was the best way to describe it.”

Seonghwa hums, and they return to walking in a comfortable silence. Their hands felt heavy, brain dragging their attention to it as if highlighted in neon lights. And though no one mentioned it, they both held a silent agreement, a promise, to not let go.


End file.
